Bandai Choi
MSSc, MAPS, MCCLP, AFHKPS | Clinical Psychologist
Breathe-n-Smile Psychology, Essendon North, Footscray and telehealth
TL;DR
- Some autistic and ADHD adults notice an impulse to hold back their enthusiasm, sensory preferences, or emotional reactions out of concern about how others might react.
- Repeated feedback during childhood or past relationships can shape how a person approaches social situations, sometimes contributing to hyper-vigilance or people-pleasing.
- Rejection Sensitive Dysphoria (RSD) is a commonly used term in neurodivergent communities to describe intense distress around perceived criticism, though it is not a formal diagnostic category.
- Therapy can provide a collaborative space to explore personal attachment patterns, build self-compassion, and practice comfortable communication boundaries.
If you have ever caught yourself double-checking your words, holding back your excitement about an interest, or worrying that expressing your feelings might be perceived as “too intense”, you are not alone. Some neurodivergent adults reflect that they grew up feeling uncertain about whether their natural communication style was accepted by those around them.
Understanding how past relational feedback shapes current self-expression can offer a helpful perspective on people-pleasing tendencies, without treating these natural coping strategies as personal flaws.
How relational expectations develop
Plain answer: Attachment patterns develop through cumulative relational feedback over time. When a person frequently receives feedback that their communication, stimming, or emotional reactions are mismatched with their environment, they may learn to edit their natural responses.
While experiences vary widely, some neurodivergent adults recall that during childhood or early social experiences, their authentic enthusiasm was sometimes met with confusion or correction. Over time, an individual might learn to monitor their tone, posture, and facial expressions carefully to maintain social connection.
While social masking can help navigate specific public settings, continuously filtering your self-expression requires ongoing mental effort.
Noticing patterns of relational hyper-vigilance
In adult relationships, past feedback can sometimes present as subtle relational monitoring:
Common relational experiences
- People-Pleasing Expectations: Prioritizing another person’s comfort above your own sensory or emotional needs to prevent potential conflict.
- Monitoring Tone and Signals: Carefully watching a partner or colleague’s body language, sometimes worrying that quietness indicates disapproval.
- Hesitation to Share Interests: Feeling uncertain about sharing hyperfixations or emotional topics, worrying that others might find the topic uninteresting or overwhelming. Learn more in our guide on attachment therapy for relational anxiety.
Exploring therapy and EMDR options
Therapy offers a supportive environment to explore these relational patterns at your own pace:
- Considering EMDR Therapy: EMDR therapy may be considered when current relationship anxiety or self-criticism is connected with distressing past memories. Preparation and pacing are important parts of this process.
- Acceptance & Commitment Therapy (ACT): Can help you explore your personal values and practice communicating boundaries with self-compassion.
- Client-Led Pacing: Therapy does not require disclosing or discussing childhood material before you feel ready to do so. Read details in our guide on EMDR preparation and grounding.
Clinical guidelines for trauma care
National guidelines from Phoenix Australia highlight that trauma-informed care emphasizes safety, client choice, and collaborative pacing as core foundations for therapeutic work.
Accessing trauma-informed care in Melbourne West
Breathe-n-Smile Psychology provides trauma-informed therapy at our Essendon North (82 Keilor Road) and Footscray (107 Droop Street) practices. Telehealth consultations are also available Victoria-wide.
Practical next steps
Ways to explore self-compassion
- Noticing Self-Editing Without Judgment: Simply observing moments where you feel an urge to apologize for expressing an interest or feeling.
- Exploring Therapy Fit: Choosing a clinician experienced in trauma-informed, neurodiversity-affirming approaches.
- Discussing Medicare Rebates: Speaking with your GP about a Mental Health Treatment Plan to claim Medicare rebates for individual therapy.
Common questions about attachment and neurodivergence
Is Rejection Sensitive Dysphoria (RSD) an official diagnostic condition?
Rejection Sensitive Dysphoria (RSD) is not a formal medical diagnosis in current diagnostic manuals (DSM-5). However, it is a commonly used term, particularly within ADHD communities, to describe an intense emotional reaction to perceived or actual rejection or criticism.
Do I have to talk about childhood experiences during therapy?
No. Therapy is paced collaboratively. You do not need to share or discuss childhood experiences before you feel comfortable and ready to do so.
How can I learn more about therapy options in Melbourne?
You can read about what trauma-informed therapy involves or contact our clinic in Essendon North or Footscray to discuss your current goals.
Suggested reading and helpful guides
- Attachment Therapy & Relational Anxiety: Understanding early attachment styles and adult relationships.
- EMDR for Attachment & Relational Trauma: Reprocessing childhood emotional neglect and relationship triggers.
- The Double Empathy Problem: Understanding communication differences without pathologising.
- Psychology Fees and Medicare Rebates: Clear information on session costs, rebates, and funding options.
Exploring relational support or trauma-informed therapy?
Breathe-n-Smile Psychology provides individual consultations in Essendon North, Footscray, and online across Victoria.
Explore Therapy Approach Send an EnquiryReferences
- Phoenix Australia – Centre for Posttraumatic Mental Health. Australian Guidelines for the Treatment of Posttraumatic Stress Disorder Summary. 2021.
- Bowlby J. Attachment and Loss: Vol. 1. Attachment. Basic Books; 1982.
- Shapiro F. Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing (EMDR) Therapy. 3rd ed. Guilford Press; 2018.