Bandai Choi
Clinical Psychologist | Board-approved supervisor
Breathe-n-Smile Psychology, Essendon North, Footscray and telehealth
The double empathy problem describes how autistic and non-autistic people can misunderstand one another when their communication styles, expectations or experiences differ. It does not mean that every conflict is shared equally, or that either person is incapable of empathy. It is a useful prompt to look at the interaction, not only one person.
TL;DR
- The double empathy problem is a way of understanding communication mismatch as something that may happen between people, rather than a one-sided autistic deficit.
- Different expectations about timing, detail, eye contact or indirect language can make a conversation harder for everyone involved.
- Clear requests, processing time and checking what was meant can make communication more workable.
What the double empathy problem means
The term was introduced by autistic researcher Damian Milton. It challenges the older habit of treating autistic communication differences as a problem that sits only with the autistic person. Two people can bring different assumptions to a conversation, then each can struggle to read what the other means.
Research in this area is still developing. It supports the idea that rapport and information-sharing can be affected by whether people share similar communication styles and experiences. It does not support a simple rule that autistic people always communicate best with other autistic people, or that non-autistic people always misunderstand them.
A useful distinction: a communication mismatch can be mutual, but responsibility is not always equal. Power, safety, prejudice and past harm still matter. Clearer communication should never be used to excuse disrespect or coercion.
Where communication mismatch can happen
Some conversations rely on quick inference. A person might expect another person to notice a subtle change in tone, understand an indirect request, or know that “we should catch up” is not a plan. Another person may prefer direct language, more context or a moment to think before replying.
Neither approach is automatically rude or uncaring. Difficulty often appears when one style is treated as the only normal one. Sensory load, fatigue, a busy room and the pressure to respond quickly can make the gap wider.
Autistic masking can add another layer. Someone may rehearse, copy expected social behaviour or push through overload in order to appear comfortable. Our article on autistic masking in adults explains why the effort behind an interaction may not be visible to other people.
Practical ways to repair communication
Useful adjustments are usually small and specific. They work best when both people can name what helps without treating a preference as a flaw.
- Say the practical request directly, including who will do what and when.
- Ask whether a pause would help before expecting an immediate answer.
- Check meaning: “When you said that, did you mean today or sometime this week?”
- Agree on a lower-pressure format, such as a written follow-up after a meeting.
These ideas do not require a diagnosis. They can be useful in families, friendships, work and health appointments. They also leave room for a person to say that a particular interaction does not feel safe or workable.
When support may help
If repeated misunderstandings are leaving you isolated, ashamed or exhausted, therapy may offer a place to look at patterns without assuming you need to become someone else. Neurodivergent-affirming therapy may include communication preferences, sensory needs, boundaries and recovery after demanding social situations.
When questions about autism, masking and lifelong communication patterns are part of the picture, an adult autism or AuDHD assessment may help clarify whether assessment is suitable. Self-recognition can be meaningful, but this article cannot determine a diagnosis.
Common questions about double empathy
Does this mean autistic people do not have empathy difficulties?
No. Empathy and communication vary between people. The framework asks us not to assume that a difficult interaction can be explained only by an autistic person’s supposed deficit.
Is every disagreement a double empathy problem?
No. People disagree for many reasons. The term is most useful when different communication expectations or experiences appear to be part of the misunderstanding.
Can communication become easier?
Often, yes. Direct language, enough processing time and a shared understanding of preferences can reduce unnecessary friction. They cannot resolve every conflict.
You may also be interested in
- autistic masking in adults Read this related guide for a fuller explanation of autistic masking in adults.
- Neurodivergent-affirming therapy Read this related guide for a fuller explanation of Neurodivergent-affirming therapy.
- adult autism or AuDHD assessment Read this related guide for a fuller explanation of adult autism or AuDHD assessment.
Looking for support that respects communication differences?
You can ask reception a brief administrative question about appointments, service fit or assessment options. Please do not include sensitive clinical history in an ordinary web enquiry.
Make an enquiryReferences
- Milton DEM. On the ontological status of autism: the “double empathy problem”. Disability & Society. 2012. Read the article.
- Milton DEM, Heasman B, Sheppard E. The double empathy problem: Ten years on. Autism. 2022. Read the article.
General information only. It does not replace individual psychological or medical advice.