Bandai Choi
Clinical Psychologist | Board-approved supervisor
Breathe-n-Smile Psychology, Essendon North, Footscray and telehealth across Australia
Can you belong without unmasking everywhere? Yes. You can choose where to adapt, what to disclose and which practical changes make relationships more workable.
A social evening may seem successful, yet leave you exhausted. Monitoring expressions, rehearsing replies or enduring noise can take effort. Some autistic adults describe such adaptations to social expectations as masking or camouflaging. [1] This article explores having more choice, with relationships and environments sharing the work of adapting.
TL;DR
- Masking can be deliberate or habitual, and it is not always harmful.
- Being socially successful and feeling socially exhausted can both be true.
- Authenticity does not require disclosing a diagnosis or behaving the same way in every setting.
- Belonging becomes more sustainable when relationships and environments can accommodate difference, rather than expecting one person to do all the adapting.
The work that nobody sees
Masking is often described as pretending to be someone else. That captures part of the experience, but not all of it.
It might mean copying conversational rhythms, keeping sensory discomfort private, forcing eye contact, holding back repetitive movements, or studying the social rules of a workplace. Some people develop these strategies so early that they no longer notice themselves using them. Others make conscious decisions depending on who is present and what is at stake. [1]
People with ADHD may also compensate for attention or organisational differences, though the research terminology and experiences are not identical to autistic camouflaging. The distinction matters: a broad label should not flatten individual experiences into one story.
Many social adjustments are ordinary. We all speak differently with a close friend than with an employer. The question is not whether you adapt. It is whether adaptation demands sustained discomfort, concealment or vigilance, and whether you are free to stop.
Participants in qualitative autism research have described exhaustion and strain from camouflaging. These accounts help explain possible costs; they do not establish that every use of masking causes harm. [1]
Why “just be yourself” is not always helpful advice
Telling someone to stop masking can sound liberating. It can also ignore reality.
People may have good reasons to conceal a diagnosis, avoid visible behaviours, or limit personal disclosure. Workplaces differ in their protections and cultures. Families may respond unpredictably. Some settings are unsafe or simply exhausting to navigate without established strategies.
You do not owe anyone your diagnosis. You do not have to explain every need in clinical language. And you do not need to unmask everywhere to prove that you accept yourself.
Choice is more useful than a rule.
In one situation, you might decide that a familiar script helps you feel confident. In another, you might ask to communicate by email instead of making a phone call. With a trusted friend, you may be able to say, “I enjoy seeing you, but I need to leave before it gets too noisy.”
Each of these can be a considered response to your circumstances, rather than a test of whether you are being authentic enough.
Who are you when you are not performing?
If you have spent years anticipating what other people need, your own preferences may feel strangely difficult to identify.
Sometimes discovering a preference feels small: choosing comfortable clothes, taking a quiet route home, asking for written instructions, letting a pause remain in conversation. Sometimes it involves grief for the energy spent trying to be acceptable.
You may also find that parts of your social self are genuine. Being considerate, prepared or skilled at conversation does not become false simply because you learned those skills intentionally. The aim is not to strip away everything you have developed. It is to notice which parts of your life are chosen, and which feel compulsory.
Questions about identity can also arise after a late diagnosis. If mistakes quickly become judgements about your worth, the article on shame and self-doubt offers a way to examine that pattern.
Belonging should not require one person to do all the work
There is a difference between being included and feeling that you belong.
You can be invited to every event yet feel that you must endure the environment without complaint. You can be valued at work while hiding how much recovery time you need afterwards.
A more accommodating relationship makes room for practical differences. Friends can choose a quieter place. A colleague can send an agenda in advance. A partner can accept that needing time alone is not the same as rejecting them.
None of these changes requires another person to understand every detail of ADHD or autism. They require curiosity, flexibility and willingness to take someone's experience seriously.
This does not mean every relationship or workplace will be able to meet every need. It does mean that fitting in is not the only measure of a successful connection.
Four small experiments in having more choice
Notice the cost. After a social or work situation, ask what was enjoyable, what took effort and what helped you recover. Avoid assuming that fatigue means the event was a failure.
Choose one low-risk adjustment. Try written instructions, a quieter meeting space, a shorter visit or a planned break. You can ask for a practical change without disclosing a diagnosis.
Find one relationship where you can be more specific. Rather than making a sweeping announcement about masking, try a small honest statement: “I need a little more time to think before I answer.”
Keep safety and consent in the picture. Before sharing personal information, consider who will receive it, how they have responded to differences before and whether disclosure could affect your work, relationships or wellbeing.
Progress may look like using fewer strategies in one place and continuing to use them somewhere else. There is no universal timetable.
Related reading
Read Growing Up Feeling Different, Neurodivergence, Shame and Self-Doubt, and A Late ADHD or Autism Diagnosis.
Questions people often ask
Do I need to stop masking to be authentic?
No. A strategy can remain useful when it is chosen rather than demanded, and safety matters before disclosure.
Can other people help create belonging?
Yes. Quieter spaces, written information, flexible timing and curiosity can share the work of accommodation.
Get in touch
Breathe-n-Smile Psychology offers clinical psychology support for adults and adolescents in Essendon North and Footscray, with telehealth across Australia. Read about our autism and AuDHD assessment. To enquire, call 0431 828 769 or email reception@breathe-n-smile.com.
References
- Hull, L., et al. (2017). “Putting on My Best Normal”: Social Camouflaging in Adults with Autism Spectrum Conditions. Journal of Autism and Developmental Disorders. https://doi.org/10.1007/s10803-017-3166-5